I got into my number one college, I'm single, I'm broke, I got fired today, I'm about the heaviest I've been in a while, and I'm prom-date less.

Mixed feelings much?

I'm excited to go to California for school, even if they do a shit ton of drugs there. I mean, I smoke weed and I've done acid before but I don't want to do coke lines and acid every weekend. I'd rather starve myself and have an excessive workout regimen than get skinny from doing drugs. I don't want to get into that because I may be dumb enough to have an eating disorder but I'm not dumb enough to fuck up my whole life because a white powder wanted to go up my nose. I know my stopping points. Yeah I won't eat much or I'll eat grossly healthy but I know when there is a point where you just need to go out and get an ice cream with friends. It'll drive me crazy, sure. But friends are more important than jean size. I hate admitting it but I know its true, I just can't stop. When I feel like I have no control over my life and I'm single and I get fired and no guy likes me or rejects me its because I'm fat. I KNOW it is. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me and now he has a skinny girlfriend.. skinnier than I can ever be. Fucking dancer. I hope I drop to about 95 for prom, but seeing as prom is may 9th and I'm way past 130 Im doubting that will happen. I'm going to get a cleanse which should make me drop about 15, then I'll be eating only things that are green (among others of course). It's a good thing I like spinach. I'll see how everything works out. I hope my prom dress is so big I have to get my sister to alter it.

I hope I hope I hope...

I should be happy. Me and this guy are hitting it off, I'm the lowest weight I have been in 3 years. It should be good. But its not enough. I need more than just temporary satisfaction. I need a lot more than "one step up" or "better than yesterday". I must be needy. I don't know what the FUCK is wrong. I don't know what is up or down, right or wrong anymore. I get pissed if I'm reading someones post and they spell things wrong, especially if its in almost_perfect, because I know its due to the fact that they're fucking pre-teens trying to find something to do with their boring lives. I want to scream at the smallest things. Maybe it'll be different in college. Maybe I can surround myself by literate people who could spell "jeans" at 9 when I could. I'm usually not a bitch, you know? I'd hate to think that I am being one. But I'm just fed up with people, with the human race. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I used to care about recycling and activism and children in Darfur and how to make the world a cleaner, nicer place to live in. Now.. I just can't give a shit. There are so many fucking bad people on this earth, what can one person do to fix that? That's too much shit for a 17 year old to be thinking about. I should be doing my economics homework and worrying about who I'll take to prom, not world issues and being pretty (however fucked up those two sound as a pair). I don't even know if I have an eating disorder or not. I've been beginning to think that maybe it was just an act I put on for attention or for something to feel. But now its been fused to my soul. A part of who I am, and I use it as a tool to disappear out of this world because I can't kill myself. I'm too scared shitless by religion crap. But if I do this to die slowly, wouldn't it be suicide anyway?

I haven't slept a wink and its 5:30am. My mom snores loudly. I hate visiting her on weekends; I never sleep.

Anyway, I'm a seventeen year old fuck up that fights to put the weight of the world on her shoulders because all she wants to do is please and be pleased. I don't need a therapist I've already figured everything out. I just wish I hadn't. Maybe the "eternal fires of hell" is just a repeat of Leila's life from ages 12-18. I'll wait until I'm 21. We'll see then how it all turns out.

Probably no one remembers me. I've been off this planet due to college things, which still aren't finished but I have a little time now.

This is to every girl who's gag reflex is impeccible. This is to every girl who wanted to throw up because the word jiggle was invented. This is to every girl that just wants to be beautiful, bony, fragile, smooth. This is to every girl that wants to float on thin air like angels.

I want it so bad. I want it more than anything. World peace, of course, is a close second.

I need a "Fit-into-that-fn-cute-christmas party dress" plan... anyone up for it? I'm thinking prizes. I'll make it today, it'll be so much fun. Who's with me?!

Other note:
Dad called me fat. I'm glad someones on my side. He wouldn't notice if I ate nothing for 3 weeks straight. He's making me do a cleanse and he's paying for colonic sessions. Sounds gross but he lost SO much weight from doing them. I'm very happy about that, esp. Since the holidays (aka holiday DRESSES) are coming up! After my sessions, I'll start taking my NV again. TG for 24 hr fitness!

Okay I'm off I'm typing this on my sidekick-- not very fun.

Love,support,kisses!

Stay thin,
L

I wont lie... I want a hula-hoop. I think I would look like a retard, but it may help with my torso region. I TOTALLY wouldn't count it to any workout.. but if I ever get bored (ha-ha not in my schedule.. but maybe) I would consider it greatly.

My dad is on a juice fast. I love living with him. He makes anorexia easy. It's the refrigerator that is making it difficult on me. I may change my fast into a juice/water fast. But seriously... NV is awesome. I'm suggesting it!

























I <3 Marc Jacobs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEGLlL8Iklw&mode=related&search=

Because every time I do, it gets totally fucked over.

All you need to know about me:
I'm way too crazy on the inside for the real world to find out.
I'm addicted to exercising and diet pills, because I am addicted to being skinny.
I'm too old to be doing this still. I thought it would stop at 16.
I'm not adding anyone 15 or younger. I don't care how cool you are.
I don't lie
unless when people ask if I have an eating disorder.
I have an infatuation with Victoria Beckham. She reeks of beauty. She is my thinspiration.
I have other thinspirations...
I have had anorexia for about 10 years. I have been treated. And un-treated.
I am not skinny. I dont like to purge, I just practice self control and not eat.




If you are losing your mind, I'll lose my mind with you<3

thinspo every post

The lovely Vicky (might as well...):